koliaphis

 i'm so afraid of being rejected, or maybe it's knowing the truth, that i'll spend years without expressing how i feel. i gotta speak up.
august was a bad month for me. i felt empty. empty from trying to hide. 
i'm trying to get over it all. i don't know if i can do it this fast. maybe if this one works, i can try being happy for a while.
killer on the road, rider on the storm.

 i'm scared of myself. or i'm lazy.
beach house is gonna be in victoria.
at least i'll have something to hold on to, this way.
but, does it have to hurt so much?

 i need to spend more time with my guitar. i wish i could just spend time with you. i'm broke on time.

 i finished my construction job, got way more money than i would've made working a full summer somewhere shitty, and am now unemployed. i spend my mornings with world of warcraft, my afternoons with fallout 3, and my evenings with team fortress 2. that is, if i don't leave my house. which happens. 
my classes were stressful, but i think it's gonna be fine. here i come again, physics!

 there's a girl out there that is making me feel like my life is passing me by.
she doesn't look at me like i want her to.

 i think the internet broke? i just went to qwantz.com and ryan north forgot to put "AI" in the first sentence. he never fucks up! THEN i got over to questionable content, and the second panel has a convo bubble missing, the text is just against weird background.

COMIC GUYS: DOUBLE CHECK SOME SHIT PLEASE. THIS WAS A WIERD THING TO HAPPEN BEFORE BED. i do not think i will be able to sleep anymore.

EDIT (7:23am the next day): They have been fixed now.

 man, sasquatch was fucking awesome anyway. my friend enjoyed it, apparently! i totally thought he was gonna be a downer. i was giddy and constantly smiling to see the bands i have recently become obsessed with. it has not been until this year that i have been interested in bands that are still currently making music. that is a hugely exciting thing. and the girl that i like! i saw her crowdsurfing and met her at the side of the stage. it was so amazing to meet up with her. we watched fleet foxes together the next day. 
currently, i am mad sick. i think i got something from AMERICA. fuck, i've missed work. i feel like an ass when i miss work. but whatever it's the weekend yayayayyyyyyyyyyy.
holy shit: There's A Reason by AA Bondy. slick song. i love it. first time i had ever heard them was at sasquatch just a few days ago. they were one of my favourites. also Beach House was sweet, and The Walkmen. i've got some torrenting to do (i am the plague of indie music).

 so i was super excited to go to the sasquatch music festival when i heard about it a few months ago. i got a bunch of my friends stoked on it, and they were like "i totally want to come!" one of my friends who doesn't even like the music there is going to come, just for the fun of going with friends. but, SO MANY STUPID FRIENDS BAILED ON US. so now it is me, the guy who doesn't like the music, and the girl that he isn't even friends with. it's going to be awkward now. i am not going to be able to enjoy the concert because that dude is going to be clinging to me for amusement. fuckkkk. it's not like he can do anything to waste time either. as far as i know, there is just music and whatever hippy crap you can get 5 hours from anywhere. maybe he can like, sell his tickets.
either way, the music is gonna be amazing, and i am gonna meet up with some rad people while i am there. and i hope to take some pictures.

i don't know anyone who listens to music as intently as i do. i am not trying to brag. i want to know someone else who does this. i hear a band i like, and i listen to everything they have for months and i get to know each melody and nuance of every song so intimately that i can recognize the entire song by just a single tone or note used in it. the thing that brought me to write this was broken social scene, looping and repeating similar things throughout an entire album, in little bits. near the end of Da Da Da Da on Beehives, there is a part of Almost Crimes from You Forgot It In People that is subtle, and difficult to hear. there are other instances that i don't care to recall right now. this doesn't make any significance to me enjoying the music less or more, but i wonder how many people listen to music that intently. i feel like quite a freak when someone mentions a band i like, and i bring up shit that they have no idea about. not in the negative way. in the way it was used at Woodstock in the movie. one of the guys calls himself a freak, as a word to describe how he is just different than normal, typically socially acceptable people.
it's time for dinner.

 i am done second year.
this is the point at which i officially consider myself a student of physics.
i think that next year i will have to take school more seriously, but i have months before i have to think about it.
some of my friends are coming home. i am really excited to see them.
and the girl, she's coming back. that girl is someone that i connected with last summer. i wanted to tell her i liked her. we made out a couple times. i think she got the idea, but i don't know if she knew how much i felt for her.
it's been a really long time since i have spoken to her, though. i'll be glad to just see her and hang out. 
i am out of shape, guys.

 i survived my essay and my assignments. but now i have a bad sickness. it's like, soreness, and lightheadedness. i wish i was just barfing or something. that way, i could still do homework effectively (with a puke bucket nearby, mind you). this chick i like told me she broke up with her boyfriend a few weeks ago.
bad ass.

 i really hope i can get through this weekend with sanity. even posting this, i am wasting precious, precious time.  i was gonna play lazer tag but work and school are fucking me up.
BUT after this shit, i will have a lot less to stress about.

our government spends billions creating what is only designed to kill. stem cell research has the realistic potential to simply save lives. let's take a chance on this.

 watchmen was a sweet movie. i totally loved the sex scenes. they were hilarious in their own way. rorschach had the best one-liner insults ever!
plus, moral ambiguity is cool.

 i bought my ticket to the sasquatch music festival today. that is gonna be something totally unknown to me. i have never been to a concert of a band i like when they're first growing. i usually listen to early led zeppelin or allman brothers concerts and think "i would give so much to be there". hopefully i will know what that feeling is really like. 
i've also never been on a road trip with friends. i look forward to that so much. i hate travelling with my family, and i've never travelled without them before. i am gonna learn a lot. i am very excited. i don't know what else to say!
i should go to bed. i gotta learn about mathematical applications of quantum theory tomorrow morning, and then finish my math assignment before it's due. i get what to do, but i don't get why i am doing it. yet?

 Alright, so i had my reading break, which i spent comatose from allergies and video games. The first week back just ended, and i got my essay and assignments done on time. i sorta cheated myself on one of the assignments, but i always do that, in little ways. maybe i will study it on the weekend, and make sure i understand it. some of that stuff about current and resistance doesn't make too much sense yet, with that resistance is epsilon not times area over two times the distance. that formula came up a few times. OH YEAH and my other teacher went on and on about schrodinger's cat and fundamental quantum principles. that stuff makes me so content in my nerd life. we're gonna spend a whole month mathematically workin' on it. that'll be cool. i think.
i am being such a wuss with this girl at school, like i always am. i sit around, thinking about her all day. if i don't ask her to hang out, and know if she likes me, i'll rot. right here, at the computer. my flesh will stink up my keyboard, and my bones will rattle against the weird plastic floor cover thing for computer chairs. then my dog will come and mess with my corpse. pullin' shit out. she likes to fuck with me. 
sometimes, if i spend a whole day doing homework, like over 6 hours, i'll get into this weird phase where i don't stop. i'll find more shit to do, that i was not planning on dealing with, and do it. it's really good, academically, but i end up spending too much time with myself. i start doing homework like a champion, but thinking about terribly depressing aspects of my life. the kind of stuff that you don't know is there until you look for it. like, how my father is bigot. in every sense of the word. he won't listen to other people's opinions about anything. i think when he was growing up on the farm as a kid, he learned to be the biggest, toughest mother fucker he could. and for him to stay as strong as he can perceive himself, he has to put others below him. i don't think he loves my mom. i don't think she loves him. i feel like they're just doing it because of us kids, or some unhealthy traditionalist ideas. do you read this, seb? i don't think anyone does. i like to think that being honest about my feelings is a good way to live my life. hence, this is public. there's not much point keeping everything to myself when it just sickens me from the inside.
i want someone to pour my life into, who'll do the same to me. true love is a god-damned miracle.

 i have more new music to listen to. more funny, loose folk. i wanna go to town tomorrow, and look for new clothes. or, rather, old clothes. they'll be new for me. they always have funny smells when you first get them. they make you think about who would have owned them before. i had this one sweater that was for a 1989 high school basketball champion team. i was born in 1989. i liked that sentiment about it. i should go to bed soon. i want to get up and jar my body awake with a run tomorrow morning. i don't like the extra bike-tire around my waist. that's what they say about their bodies when they don't like them. on tv. 
i am always a bit scattered in these entries. there is a lot on my mind lately, and new beginnings make me uneasy. well, not really. i am just really hoping that someone will want to be obsessed with me. i want someone who wants to make a fucking life together. i am dead tired of sexualized isolation. they love portraying that in the media. i wish they admired sincerity. seeing two folks, who through all trials, complete eachother. that brings me to tears. it's just unbelievable. inconceivable!
i probably feel so dramatically extreme about this because i don't think i have anyone in my life who loves me unconditionally. my parents would probably ask me to move out if i did something more personal with my life. luckily i am fine with school for now. 
this man sings like a poet, but that has never brought emotions to my mind. it's the personal struggle for me. the trials that we must transcend on our own terms. i hope i can one day be happy enough that i don't need to hope so much. for now, i will try my best to be as mindful as i can.
everything is different when i wake up.

 
okay so i made this comic, like, minutes before anthony clark's deadline. and i did not realize that it was supposed to be about a date with reginald. that's the last time i make a comic under such a tight dead line.

 i like you, itunes. can we hang out after school sometime?

How many songs total: 1853 songsss
How many hours or days of music: 5.3 days
Most recently played: "Radio Campaign" M. Ward
Most played: "Only In Your Heart" America, 84 times (i don't really like the majority of America's stuff, but this song is totally awesome)
Most recently added: The Very Best of the Doors (my mom is putting music on my computer because she got a new ipod, luckily it wasn't Madonna's Ray of Light, i did that one a few before)

Sort by song title:
First Song: "Acadian Driftwood" The Band
Last Song: "6/4 Jam" Jaco Pastorius

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: "Interlude: Memory" Janet Jackson(aw mom) (5 seconds)
Longest Song: "What need have I for this, What Need have I for that, I am dancing at the feet of my lord, All is bliss, All is bliss" Shakti (29 minutes 3 seconds, also winning the longest song title award, as it turns out) 

Sort by album:
First album: "After The Goldrush" Neil Young
Last album: "808s And Heartbreak" Kanye West (my sister also got an ipod hahaha)
First song that comes up on Shuffle: "Goodbye Cruel World" Pink Floyd (this is not a cry for help)

Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death - 13 
Life - 19 
Love - 122
Hate – 4
You - 262
Sex – 13 (all Justin Timberlake, what luck)

i am sick and breathing is difficult. school doesn't stop for my sickness. i can't let sickness stop me either.
i also have a difficult time enjoying free time. i feel guilty not doing school work. 

my posts are now just wild emotional screams.